I can't. I should be able to, should be, should be able to. But I can't.

I can't
breathe
focus
smile
read
watch Friends
stop eating Gummy Bears
do my laundry
get up
say what I really want to say
talk to you
cry
let you win
explain why
be with you
pretend I'm fine

because I am pissed off and I only half-know why. And because you are so fucking far away.


I can't
bear linear, flat, monotonous estate of things
stop imagining pills disintegrating inside my body
tear off the curtains, make a tomb out of my walls
scream loud enough
walk around 'til I faint
stop eating
shrink
talk
move
vanish
wait for imaginary friends to show me the way
fly off to nowhere
understand how to make it stop
put all the fragments back in place

because I am a civilized human being. But the freak inside of me wish I could.